HEY, you look very familiar? You remind me of someone from the Board of Censors. Are you from the Board of Censors? Erhmmm. Silence is not always golden, okay.
Anyway, I am definitely one of your biggest fans because I know every film you have ever cut in the history of Singapore. For example, five cuts were made in The Talented Mr Ripley, and from Eric Khoo’s Twelve Storeys, one entire scene was cut.
There were two cuts in Titanic; four cuts in Stirs of Echoes acted by Kevin Bacon; five cuts in the movie Scratch; two cuts in Swimming Pool; two cuts in the HK movie Purple Storm; and two cuts in the French film Love Me If You Dare. There were five cuts in Possessed; one cut in The Man Who Wasn’t There; five cuts for Intimacy; one cut for Infernal Affairs; House on Haunted Hill, starring Geoffrey Rush, six cuts; City of God, at least one cut; three cuts in The Hours.
And the acclaimed French film Eight Women, one cut. Left seven women only.
There were nine cuts in the Discovery of Heaven, if it’s PG, two cuts in The Centre of the World, six cuts in Chicago, four cuts in the Korean film, Bichunmoo, and in Y Tu Mamá También, the most important scene was cut! Rated RA, you also cut!
And Sofia Coppola’s Lost in Translation, the scene where the topless women were dancing in the club was also cut. Very daring. Golden Globe-winning film. Also cut! I wonder if your husband is cut? Ha, ha, ha.
Let me test you. How about our Singapore film 15, made by that gangster director Royston Tan? Can’t remember, right? Twenty-seven cuts. I’m so proud of you – your highest record so far. But the Japanese film In the Realm of the Senses? Amazingly – no cuts. Why? Because it’s still being banned. Like Wong Kar Wai’s Happy Together. All banned together. So proud of you.
Coming back to Chicago, I’m so glad you cut out those two scenes of the man removing woman stockings and the man in bed with two women. Imagine all of us going back home to imitate it after the film. And with Chicago, the Board of Censors took a new challenge to display their musical skills by re-editing the lyrics. Suddenly, lyrics like ‘you have been screwing the milkman,’ ‘Sweet, sweet puss of yours’ and ‘this fancy pussy’ were cut to make the song flow smoothly. Even Andrew Lloyd Webber can’t edit his songs the way you can. How do you think acclaimed director like Alan Parker would feel if he knew his film was cut, like in the case of the three deleted scenes in Angela’s Ashes? Wouldn’t that affect the integrity of the film, what the director wants, his vision?
Arrrgh. You know those horror films, you guys always cut out the scary and gory bits? Then, may I ask you, what the point of watching horror films when there is no horror at all? It’s almost like fried noodle without the noodles.
And every time you censor or don’t censor a film, especially those Oscar-winning films, you get cursed by thousand of Singaporeans. How do you cope with pressure every time? Do you think the day will come when Singaporeans can practice self-censorship? Don’t like? Then don’t watch. At least it will make the censor feel less misunderstood. We are honestly very fortunate to have you to shield us from the evils of the arts, but being our nanny you are exposed to all the uncensored and controversial scenes. What I really would like to know – who looks after your moral welfare? Or do you have some special power charm to protect yourself? I mean, isn’t it a work hazard? How do you resist the evil temptations to be a call girl when you watch the uncut version of Chicago? A drug addict when you watch the uncut Trainspotting? A lesbian when you watch Boys Don’t Cry? A serial killer when you watch the Japanese film Battle Royale?
The way you sacrifice yourself to protect us is too much for me to handle – [sobs] – tissues! By the way, do you get turned on when you watch sexually explicit films? Sorry, too sensitive […].
Before I forget. The Pirated DVD Association in JB [Malaysia] would like to thank the Board of Censors for your efficiency in chopping all the films in Singapore, which in turn led to a sixty-five per cent increase of their profit over the years.
I am a great fan of the censors, truly amazed by the way you re-edit certain films. The frequent jump cuts style in your editing seems to pay homage [to the] French New Wave of editing. Would you consider giving editing classes in film school if you were offered an opportunity? You have somehow developed your original style – very daring, highly original, sometimes too Wong Kar Wai!
I heard a vicious rumour from a housewife in Ang Mo Kio that the BFC was coming out with a machine which could censor our thoughts but was abolished as it will put the censors out of job. Is that true? Another housewife in Bishan feels that the opening up of the censorship is just returning things to their normal order, not making real progress. What you think of such slander? Another person told me that you asked the distributor to censor their own films to ‘encourage greater industry responsibility’, but the real reason is because most of the members of the censor can no longer handle the side effects of all the uncensored films they see every day. Isn’t that true?
The defendant made no comment.
From Royston Tan’s short film Cut (2004), currently undergoing an Internet resurgence.
